Helping You Stay Balanced; Emotionally and Spiritually

Ghosts, Goblins and Ghouls, oh my! Halloween is a fun time for masks, colorful costumes, and pretending for a short time that we are someone else. In fact, it can be healthy to put on a mask and assume a character for a while to give us another perspective on how this “character” sees things.  It is always a good idea to envision several different viewpoints before making a decision. But sometimes we wear “masks” to hide our feelings and disguise ourselves so the world will like us. We wear “masks” so we can please others. And many of us wear “masks” that can be limiting or can hold us back because of fear. These “masks” are invisible but very powerful.

I wrote “The Masks We Wear and How to Live Without Them” because many people react to fear and pain and develop a protective mask, and they wear this “mask,” or in many cases a set of masks, to protect themselves so they can escape the pain and rejection they feel. They have been conditioned to react and behave in a certain way or else they will be rejected, isolated or shunned by society.  When I first sat down to write my book, I believed that we should remove all our “masks” and be our authentic self. After all, that’s how God made us; right? Every single one of us are unique and different; why can’t we be able to express ourselves in that manner without having to be fearful of what other people think. And, in a perfect world this may be true, but since we are living in the real world we have to examine our behavior. I interviewed numerous people on this topic from struggling students to rich politicians to convicted felons, to the average working person. Much to my surprise, I realized that maybe wearing “masks” isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it might even be necessary in some cases.

The reason I believed we should shed all our masks is because someone probably gave it to us as some point in time. When I refer to wearing a “mask” what I really mean is wearing a label or living up to an expectation. For example, if a child hears his parents frequently calling him stupid, or loser, or you will never amount to anything, you idiot. That child will accept these labels or “masks” as a belief and will subconsciously turn these statements into a reality. Hearing these negative statements over and over again has an effect on our psyche and as a result, we will make bad choices and decisions in our life. On the other hand, if a person frequently hears, “You can do it, I believe in you, You are smart, You are worthy” the same will apply. That individual will accept these statements as a truth and do whatever he can to manifest it into a reality. So I came to the conclusion that all there are good “masks” and bad “masks”. As long as you are the one choosing the “mask” you wear, it will be okay. If you are wearing a “mask” that someone else is choosing for you then you might want to see if you are being manipulated by the person who wants you to wear this label. Bullies in particular, would like you to wear a “mask”. That is how they can control you to get you to do the things THEY want.

Here are a few of the bad masks and who usually gives them out:

Submissive Mask- given by bullies. abusive spouses and control freaks

People Pleaser Mask- given by other people pleasers and manipulators

Doormat Mask- given by bullies, control freaks, abusive spouses and abusive individuals

It’s All Your Fault Mask- given by bullies and abusive individuals

Loser Mask- given by parents or friends with low self-esteem and jealous individuals

Nobody likes you Mask- given by friends with low self-esteem, abusive spouses and jealous individuals

You are unworthy Mask- given by abusive individuals and jealous friends

I will love you if you do what I want Mask- given by abusive parents and bullies

Here are a few of the good masks and who usually gives them out:

You are a winner Mask- given by teachers, coaches and parents

You can accomplish anything you desire Mask- given by parents and teachers

You are worthy Mask- given by parents

You are unique and should be proud Mask- given by parents, teachers and friends

You are smart Mask- given by teachers and parents

It is your choice on what “mask” you wear. You can wear the “doormat mask” your entire life or you can wear the “I can accomplish anything I want mask.” It is up to you. And while you are carefully picking out the mask you will wear this Halloween; be even more careful to choose the “mask” you wear everyday in your real life!

Dr. Marla Sloane

Marla Sloane, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved © 2009

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”  Marie Curie

This is an appropriate quote when we are facing a recession, at war in the middle east, and the stock market is at its lowest since the great depression. So, what’s to be understood?

Life is cyclical; there are times when we experience abundance, and all that goes with it. Ooh, life is good! We invite friends over for parties, we go shopping and brag about our new purchases. We even feel slightly superior that we have so much and things are going so well. Then, the tide changes, and we aren’t so abundant anymore. Now we are like small children who’s favorite toy was just taken away from us. We don’t like it when we have to tighten our belt buckles and give up our “toys”. We are forced to ask ourselves questions like, how am I going to get out of this mess? What can I do to make ends meet? What is important in my life? These questions, albeit painful ones, will catapult us into looking within and assessing ourselves. We go through the critical overview of judging our decisions, we may be a bit harsh, but in actually this is a healthy process. We need to defend our choices and take responsibility for our actions. This is the only way to grow. And, speaking of personal growth, this is exactly what this cycle is meant to do. When the tide has changed, and we are not as abundance as we once were, it is not a sign of failure, it is a time to learn. This is the time we can expand our consciousness and look beyond the material.
How many of us really learn Life’s tough lessons when things are going well. We are too busy having fun when the money is rolling in. It is when we are in tough times that we learn the most valuable lessons. We get our priorities in order and we evaluate our self worth. Many of us get our strength through our spiritual faith, mentors, and education.
This cycle of scarcity brings to us many gifts, and we will be better off if we are wise enough to accept them.

Marla Sloane, Ph.D.

Marla Sloane, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved © 2009

The thought of Valentine’s Day conjures up romantic evenings, a candlelight dinner, and long walks with your loved one. It is, without a doubt the most romantic day of the year. So how could you possibly be expected to enjoy Valentine’s Day when you’re alone?  Well, while it might not be all hearts and flowers, you can still spread the message of Valentine’s Day: Love.

Over the years, I’ve interviewed numerous people and asked them what their favorite Valentine’s Day memory was. Surprisingly, very few couples actually mentioned a gift or a special night out. In fact, most of the people I interviewed remembered their special Valentine’s Day by things they did for others. Gifts they gave, whether they were store bought or home made that gave them the feeling of joy and happiness.

A heartwarming Valentine’s Day for Jacque from California, was when she was in charge of bringing little treats for her daughter’s 3rd grade class. After agonizing on what to do, she decided to make the extra firm red Jell-O, and cut them into heart shapes. After running to the store to get more mix, and spending a lot of time cutting out the heart shapes, she was frustrated and wondered why she ever signed up for the job in the first place. Was this a big mistake? When she passed out the treats in school, the kids’ eyes lit up, and their sweet little voices filled the room with laughter and excitement. All the kids loved it! Jacque remembers feeling incredible that day. Her heart was glowing with happiness to see how much those kids loved her little treats.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our daily chores, that we often forget that children need to be remembered too. Teenagers often feel left out on Valentine’s Day, but a handsome Colorado man gave two giggling teenagers a Valentine’s Day they will never forget. Geoff was working on a resort property trimming trees, and noticed there were two smitten teenage girls sitting on the balcony watching him while he was working. Geoff knew he would be finished on February 13th, and thought he would he would surprise them with a dozen red roses on Valentine’s Day, and signed it, the tree trimming guy. The girls were thrilled to get flowers on Valentines Day, and were still talking about it four years later! Geoff ranks that day as his all time favorite Valentine’s Day!

Making someone happy (especially when it’s unexpected) has a euphoric effect on you too. It’s happiness shared twice. Is it possible to have a happy Valentine’s Day even when you are breaking up? If you have a sister like Linda, you can. Linda’s sister was going through a divorce in February, and she was heartbroken and distraught. On that Valentine’s Day, Linda secretly sent her flowers at her office, and signed the card, “From your Secret Admirer.” As soon as her sister received them she called Linda and said, “Oh my God, you will never believe what just happened, I got these beautiful flowers today, but I have no idea who they are from!” Linda had all she could do to keep from laughing, and giving away her little secret. Linda’s sister went on to say that the entire office was trying to figure out who her secret admirer could be. Linda was happy that she could give her sister a happy Valentine’s Day even when she was facing unhappy times.

Yes, it is possible to have a great Valentine’s Day, even when things are looking a little dismal. Here are a few ways you can share your love this holiday.

5 Ways to the Happiest Valentine’s Day Ever!

1. Send a heartfelt Valentine Card to someone who has really inspired you and tell them how much they mean to you.
2. Make a homemade Valentine Card and send it to your favorite relative you haven’t seen in a while.
3. Send flowers or candy to someone who doesn’t have a sweetheart, and sign it anonymous.
4. Make a Valentine’s Basket and send it to a family that has gone through a difficult time and sign it, From Your Guardian Angel.
5. Take your little niece, nephew, or cousin out for ice cream.

Giving is the fastest way to feel good about yourself. It doesn’t have to be expensive, even a single hand picked flower will do. Anything coming from the heart will surely be felt and appreciated. It’s two gifts in one. One is for the recipient and even a bigger gift for you.

Marla Sloane, Ph.D.

Marla Sloane, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved © 2009

The holidays are here, you’ve got company coming, a lot of gift wrapping to do, and festivity is in the air … but you are STRESSED! With so much work to do, people to accommodate, and worrying about Uncle Bob getting along with Cousin Debbie, there is no wonder why you are stressed out. Here are some tips you can do to ease the holiday anxiety, and even enjoy the holiday season!

1. Delegate Work. Instead of doing it all like, preparing the food, cleaning the house, picking people up from the airport; allow someone else to pitch in. This will ease up on your workload and the participants will feel good that they could lend a helping hand.

2. Keep Things in Perceptive and Lighten Up. It is okay to be you, and not Martha Stewart. The main objective of the holidays is to gather around family and enjoy the time together. If you are so worried about the size of the turkey, or the color of napkins, and having things perfect, you are missing the point. The best entertaining tip is to enjoy your company and make them feel welcomed. Everything else is secondary. No one will care if the mashed potatoes are a little lumpy. They will care how much you were looking forward to seeing them!

3. Short and Sweet. It is okay to put a time limit on your visit. If your husband can’t stand Uncle Richard, and you aren’t too crazy about him either, it is smart to give yourself a time frame, so only stay for 2 hours instead of 5 hours. You can say that you have another commitment and you are sorry to have to leave so early but the short time (in a difficult situation) is much sweeter when it isn’t dragged out.

4. Meditate. Do a quick meditation before you start your day to keep yourself grounded and centered. Close your eyes, relax, take 3 deep breathes, and focus on your breathing. Nothing more. This exercise will clear your anxieties. A clear mind releases stress and can get more accomplished.

5. Keep the End in Mind. If you have to rearrange your schedule, and it is a bit of an inconvenience, remember it is only temporary and look for something that you do enjoy about the change. It could be fun having a bunch of sleeping bags full of cute kids in the living room.

6. Keep Your Conversations Appropriate and Safe. I think all of us have experienced a negative remark about a relative, or a heated debate about a controversial topic. The secret to good conversation is to stay away from 3 topics: sex, religion, and politics, and to engage in talking about positive things. If the conversation is headed in an area of heated dispute, gently change the subject, bring up the weather, the movie you just saw, the book that is on the best seller list, etc. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.”

Believe in the magic of the holidays and remember their significance: to enjoy loved ones, to be grateful for all the wonderful blessings you have, and to celebrate Life!